i'm learning the word cautious, like never before. inside and out. vowels and consonants.
and responsible. managing risk and investing.

and torn. very torn.

oh logic. that thing i never thought would kick in. let's hope i'm not settling into some mediocrity. or stagnancy. let's hope it's just a bug.

i really hate not getting what i want. especially when i want it.

it makes me do things that i would not normally do, go to extremes to get it.

i may need to change this in order to become a better person, all around. at least i know what the problem is now, right? it's a doosy.

stuart or manolo? that is the question. whether tis' nobler....etc. etc.

maybe not shoe, maybe debt.


sigh!

cleaning my apt. has never felt so good. it's not just rearranging some things. redecorating. it's deliberating reorganizing the thoughts in my head, my ambitions, my plans. everything. deliberately and subconsciously. it's the only thing that feels good right now, besides the hint of humidity. i don't even mind it when it is like this.




my picture window looks different to me now, maybe i am beginning to see things differently. last night i talked and talked and talked and talked. i didn't know i had that in me. just waiting to be said, to be explain and parsed through.

and now i feel the need to be quiet and solitary. everything just falls into place.

tonight was beautiful. i watched a suburban pick up softball game as the sunset, behind a post office, in a park next to train tracks. i raced my dad on a bike and tried to entertain a baby. my dad told me about the beagles that the mail people feed across the street. i was happy and i felt alive and wonderful. more please.

and all my nervous ticks are showing.


i thought this was supposed to be the best summer of my life?

"when there is nothing left to burn, you must set yourself on fire."



Like This!

july, july!

why do i always end up with perfect curly hair right before i go to bed? never fails.

story of my life!

I feel like I am in a movie.


fight the break of dawn

70/100

i am completely petrified of getting alzheimers when i am old. it would be a sick, sick joke on me in particular. is it not enough to already be completely proustian in my daydreamy musings?

71/100

i miss playing the piano at very odd occurrences. like when i listen to joni mitchell, or want to put another piece of furniture in my apartment.

72/100
sylvia plath is fascinating to me, and may always be. i don't think that's cliche at all. see statement 12 on vanity. yes, all the way back.

73/100
my feet have lost a size and half since high school. what does that mean?!

74/100
i am working out in shoes that are at least, from junior year of highschool. i really need a new pair of running shoes.

75/100
i haven't received my new york times sunday paper in two weeks and this makes me especially depressed since i missed the style design issue. drat.

76/100
i am still an overachiever. i take on way too much, but hey, it keeps me going i guess.

77/100
senior year of high school was amazing, in every way ever. it's weird that my brother is going to franklin. it's weird that he is 15!

78/100
i am really diggin' detroit public radio, it's very soothing and they have great taste in jams.

79/100
i love good spring rain, and romantic french movies. and tomato basil mozzarella sandwiches.

80/100
On the whole i make no apologizes for the largeness of my sunglasses. i have very light sensitive eyes, curse of being blue.

81/100
bra shopping for me is like trying to find a needle in a very bland(read beige) haystack. why can't someone make sexy bras for girls with real breasts? i'm just saying. and victoria's secret is shit.

82/100
i am going to find some time to begin my new writing project this week if it kills me

83/100
i will be getting my bangs trimmed this week as well. i always try to hold out until they look really ridiculous. i'm not sure why, because it's only like 10 bucks and five minutes of my time.

sometimes, i am just so happy.

maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up,


how embarassing! thank goodness for good friends

59/100


i would be a terrible heroin addict. the slightest prick of a needle to draw some blood has left me with ridiculous green line bruises on my left inner elbow. is there a word for that patch of skin? if the elbow's the outside, what's the inside called anyway?


i'd be so obvious. good thing...

54/100

i have seriously scary, vivid, semi hallucinogenic dreams. most of the time i remember right when i wake up, but then forget. this compounds itself when i'm feverish, i've recently learned. trippy.

55/100

i love habitual driving. i find it very soothing and a time when i can just ruminate on things. it something i do religiously, more than anything that is remotely religious

56/100

i never will get another tetanus shot again in my life!

57/100

i like that you call me and we talk for hours and we laugh and reminisce and surmise. i hope whatever happens we never lose that.

58/100
i am very squeamish about blood. period.

44/100
i'm a shopaholic.

45/100
i had an unhealthy craving for salt today that was satiated by plentiful amounts of soy sauce and pretzels.

46/100
i have a hormonal/thyroid problem that seriously needs to be looked at.

47/100
i use line/wrinkle reducing cream for under my eyes. see my statements with regards to vanity. (to the lady at the counter, yes mam, i am 23 and your cleavage is showing excessively, now give me my damn sample)

48/100
i have a serious problem with my mom's dog sometimes because he bites. i know he's had a rough life, but i've never been around dogs that do that.

49/100
i am very anxious for spring. more so this year, than in years past.

50/100
i can't believe it's already march, the middle of march actually.

51/100
i had a serious existential crisis on friday--i'm pretty sure that while i like my plateau that i've hit, that i felt the first pang of my mortality. i'm worried there's not enough time and it feels kinda like i'm short of breath when i think about it.

52/100
i've been single for so long, and i've grown quite used to it. i'd like to think that i will one day look back and realize that right now, i have it made.

53/100
i love andrew bird. alot. and birds.

while i am thinking:

chicago-- may 13-17( 2 vacay days)

washington d.c. early may or end of may?( 1 vacay day)

miami? end of june?(2 vacay days)

milwaukee/madison- july 17-20 (2 vacay days)

san francisco- august (3 vacay days)

nyc-october

what a kick ass summer!

every other weekend will be the ultimate staycation!

i'll be happy when i hit 3 of these, at least two i've never been too. i'm really pulling for san francisco.
let's see how far we can stretch the budget.

43/100

i'm 23!

37/100
i'd like to take a creative writing course this summer

38/100
i am not going to bed tonight until my apt. is significantly cleaner

39/100
i love going to the movies!

40/100
i need a date to this black tie event on saturday, please!

41/100
i wish i had insomnia so that i could read late at night.

42/100
i really need to go to the doctor, i think there is something wrong with my thyroid. in all seriousness.

mostly accurate, some definitely uncanny.


opening credits:
cry for everything bad that's ever happene. le tigre

waking up:
since you went away. dear nora

first day of school:
teenager. camera obscura.

losing virginity:
carpetbaggers. jenny lewis feat. elvis costello
perfect. seriously.

fight song:
get it faster.jimmy eat world.

break-up:
broken drum.beck

prom:
love and war. rilo kiley

life:
you're a loose cannon McArthur... But you get the job done.the most serene republic

mental breakdown:
breakdown.jack johnson

driving:
the bleeding heart show.the new pornographers

flashback:
moonshiner.jolie holland

getting back together:
don't thank me. the french kicks

birth of a child:
daughter. pearl jam

final battle:
sister jack-spoon

end credits:
kissing you- theme from romeo and juliet-Des'Re


hmph.

29/100
when i get drunk, i use big words to impress others, especially men. sometimes i compose poetry. but it usually turns out pretty shitty.


30/100
i lived just outside of florence for 3.5 months and now, i can barely remember italian. but as i look back, i did love being there. i wish i would have stayed with a host family, i think that would have made things perfect.

31/100
come this spring, i will have lived alone for two years. i don't know if i could ever go back

32/100
i was doing really good with the whole ymca/working out thing, but i haven't gotten into my new schedule yet.
i would still love to lose ten pounds before my birthday, but at this rate, i'd be better off if i got the flu.

33/100
i am a shopaholic.

34/100
i am taking my 16 year old cousin to go see confessions of a shopaholic. i will love every minute of it.

35/100
i was planning on taking an art class at ccs, the fundamentals of design, but when i realized there was intensive drawing involved, i dropped it. hah. i know i should have known better, but the class description said visual communication, so i thought it was going to be more theory.

36/100
i love my new job. so. so. so. much. I love it. People have confidence in me, and think my ideas are new and good. I secretly had a moment today where I thought I should go back to school for business/marketing. Maybe I still should. Who knows.

28/100

i still love third eye blind and can listen to their ouevre unabashedly.

19/100

i love wearing my reading glasses. so much so that they have become my staring at the computer screen during work, watching a movie, driving late at night, early morning reading, not exactly ready but still want to look cute accessory.

20/100
i hate making the first move. so much, i'm so paralyzed by it, especially within the last year. i never used to hate it as much as i do now.

21/100
most of the time i believe the intent for my thoughts and actions are incredibly transparent. that everyone knows what i'm doing and why, all the time. it makes me feel cliche. but i know that people don't pay that much attention to me, let alone intensely scrutinize every single move i make.

22/100
i subscribe to the new yorker and read every issue because it's my firm belief that doing so will eventually make me smarter.

23/100
i quote the new york times with a ridiculous frequency, but rarely ever retain all the information, i usually just cite it as a source for intense observation

24/100
i wish i went to museums more. i think i am going to work on going at least once a week and see how long i can keep it up. maybe do a piece of art a week that i just sit and take a look at, and read up on and such. i think that would bring me back to the closeness i felt when i was in school, and when i was in italy to art objects.

25/100
i've never felt more intellectually alive than in my theorizing visibility course. i firmly believe this was the best class i've ever taken in college.

26/100
i obsessively buy books. all. the. time. i have so many books it is beyond control. and i haven't gotten around to reading a good number of them.

27/100
being in school allowed me to obsessively buy books, because there was always the excuse that it was for class. that was one of the best parts of undergrad, even if it did contribute to my credit card debt. so has the existence of amazon.com